The Pain Then

Casey O'Dog, 2011

Casey had a hard day today.  Each day gets a little harder for him.  Each day gets a little harder for me, watching him struggle.  He'll be 16 in May.  He still eats a full meal in the evening, and he still wants to go for walks with us and actually keeps up fairly well once he's on his feet.  It's the getting up part that's really hard for him.  We essentially have to be his back legs now to lift him up to standing position, or help him up steps (a few of which are unavoidable to get him in and out of the house). 

I would really prefer to let him choose his own time to move on from this life, but I don't want to see him in pain, or unable to maintain his doggie dignity.  Today James put Lucie outside on the rope, planning to put Casey out as soon as Lucie was done doing whatever she needed to do.  Unfortunately, Casey couldn't wait that long.  This is a dog who only once in his entire life with us, prior to this past year, had an accident indoors and that was my fault—he held it as long as he could!  Now he can't help himself, and I can't help but feel that he feels humiliated by that.  Wild dog packs do use public humiliation to punish members who transgress, so they must be able to feel it.  And just look at his face in this photo—a dignified dog forced to suffer the embarrassment of wearing a silly bowtie for my amusement.  Imagine how he feels now that he can't even stand up without us lifting his butt for him.

Lucie is being spayed tomorrow, so when we pick her up on Wednesday we're also going to talk with the vet about Casey's situation.  We can't fix anything that's wrong with him, so we're preparing ourselves to say goodbye sometime soon.  But if there's something that will relieve his pain and allow him to enjoy life for a few more weeks, we'll give it a try.  He has loved life for a decade and a half—I don't want to take it away from him too soon.  And I don't want to hang onto him too long, either, if he can't live well enough to love it anymore.

I've heard lots of people say, "I don't want another dog.  They just die and I can't take that again."  But as Joy Gresham says to C. S. Lewis in the movie Shadowlands, "...the pain then is part of the happiness now.  That's the deal."  No amount of pain could be greater than the happiness I've shared with Casey since 1997, so I'll take that deal.