The 8th Day

We still believe...what the Exodus first taught... 

— first, wherever you live it is probably Egypt — 

— second, that there is a better place, a promised land — 

— and third, that the way to that land is through the wilderness — 

and there is no way to get from here to there except by joining together and marching.

—Michael Walzer, Exodus and Revolution (Basic Books, 1985)

I came across this quote this afternoon in one of my Counting the Omer daily essays—I read 3 different entries each day, one on the app MyOmer, one from the Jewish Mindfulness Network, and the other by Rabbi Rachel Barenblat on her blog, Velveteen Rabbi.  Each comes to it from a different perspective which helps me get more out of this Jewish practice that I've never done before. I felt like I needed an anchor over the next few weeks to keep me grounded because I'm currently freaking out.

The above quote was in today's message from the Jewish Mindfulness Network, reflecting on the

theme for Week 2 of the Omer:  Setting Out.  A timely theme for me, given that I had a major meltdown this morning, triggered by nothing really, and spewed loads of pent-up anxiety all over James right before the worship service started, making it even worse because I know that's the absolute worst time to spew anything on him!  When we were able to talk about it later, after church, he said he hadn't realized the level of anxiety the prospect of our sabbatical is causing for me.  I told him to think about a young man we know with Asberger's syndrome who struggles with new places, new routines, anything he hasn't experienced before—now put me in the picture instead, moderate it a little since I have the syndrome to a lesser degree, and that's how I'm feeling.  "Oh, ok, now I get it.  That helps me understand—thank you."

Setting Out is always a challenge for me, more so than what I think is probably the average anxiety level of a human being when confronting change.  The excitement of being away for an extended time, experiencing new places, learning new things, spending lots and lots of restful time with James—all of which I'm excited about—is buried under a massive layer of freak-out about being in new places, doing new things, spending lots and lots of time without any of my familiars except James and Lucie.  Once we actually get on the road, most of my anxiety will float off on the fresh air of Getting Out of Town.  But somehow that doesn't make the load any lighter right now.

A couple hours of chopping through the remaining ice block on our driveway and digging the first half of a drainage trench (we have some beautiful clay here—if anyone knows any potters who like to dig their own, send them our way!) helped me blow off some anxiety steam.  Nothing like whacking away with a pickaxe and shovel to work off the nerves!  I think being overwhelmed is a given for me, but maybe I can loosen up the straitjacket a little and breathe a little deeper.  As Rabbi Rachel puts it in her meditation on Day 8 of the Omer,

… use the tools

that help you pry your ribs apart

and offer up what beats inside.