The Bureaucratic Nightmare That Is Massachusetts

So first off yesterday I went on-line to see how and where we go about getting a license for the dog. A search for "Pittsfield MA dog license" brings up the Pittsfield City Hall site, the Police Department page. So I go there and see nothing about how or where to get a dog license, but there is a PDF file listed for download on the column to the right. So I download that, which gives me a lovely "City of Pittsfield Dog License Application" form to print out and fill out. Great—that's progress. But…hmm…it gives me a box to check for "Male/Neutered" and tells me how much that license costs, tells me to include a rabies certificate and proof of neutering…so far, so good…and then says, "Also, include a self-addressed, stamped envelope for return of your license/tag." OK, no problem…but…where is the address to which I send this filled-out form, rabies and neutering certificates, SASE, and $8? NOWHERE!!! Not to be found. Yet another case of the "If you don't know, you don't belong here" mentality of New England, I guess.

So I put off the dog license chore until some other day when I feel like going to City Hall in person, and instead we tackle getting Massachusetts driver's licenses. It will cost us $110 each to convert our current AZ licenses to MA ones, which is why we waited until we got our tax rebate to take care of this. We head into the DMV, find to our great surprise a clear sign telling us which door to go to, and amazingly enough arrive when no one else is waiting in line! So we push the little button on the machine to get a number, and then see the sign that says, "Please fill out appropriate application form before taking a number." Oops! The disembodied voice behind the desk behind the wall is none too happy when she calls our numbers and finds out we haven't filled out the forms yet. Off to a great start. So I fill out the yellow form for license conversions, finishing ahead of James, and push the button again, whereupon the voice immediately calls out, "Number 385!" I head around the wall to the desk and hand the woman behind the voice my form and AZ license. She gives me the eye test and takes my picture, checks off a bunch of boxes on the yellow form, then asks for my "forms of i.d."—say what? I point to my AZ driver's license, which has my picture, birth date, and signature imprinted on it. "No," she scolds, pointing to the yellow form; "I need a social security card, proof of birth, and proof of address—do you have a birth certificate or passport, and something that shows your current address?" She speaks to me like I'm a dimwitted problem child. I hand her my Social Security card and say, "Can't you use the Arizona license as proof? I'm just switching it over to Massachusetts." "I can use the license for proof of signature, but you'll have to give me these other forms of i.d. for the other things," she admonishes, pulling out a white form and checking off several boxes to make it Quite Clear to me what I need to bring to qualify for a MA license. My AZ license is good enough to prove that my signature is mine, but god knows the birth date and picture could be totally bogus. Even though the picture looks just like me. So really it's just the birth date I phonied up.

As we walk back to the parking lot with our old AZ licenses still in our wallets, James says, "Proof of birth? Well, let's see, I'm here so I guess I must have been born." Our AZ licenses are good until we're 65 years old, so we'll just stay "out of state" for a few more days until we can collect the reams of paperwork MA requires. You'd think for $110 they'd be more eager to sell us their damn driver's license. All part of the plan to keep non-natives from overrunning the state…